things, or, i don't know

September 29th, 2010
Catalano Square, WI


My head is full of everything. I never have a moments peace between myself and my surroundings. 


And, the thing is, I'm not sure why this is. I don't know if it's because I grew up in a culture always expecting change and improvement. I don't know if others feel the things I do, in the way that I do.


There must be variations of it - as I've said, there's a black and white to every and all things, but there are also countess shades of unimaginable colors in between.


I do know that this is me and that I'm pretty sure I'll be this way for a while. I'll think these things, in these ways. I have things to accomplish, things to change. Things I can't possible foresee.


I have to accept this. I do accept this. Because I believe that somewhere down the road something good and great and delightful awaits me. 


I have to believe that.


I'd like to get a jump start on things but I also need to establish myself. 


Should I finish school? Should I have even gone? Maybe if I were out doing something else with my life, my time, I'd realize that something else was my calling... or maybe I'd find some 100% once in a lifetime opportunities that were granted to me based on character, talent, and who I am rather than what any degree tells me and others what it is that I should be doing. 


I just don't know! I guess I'm not supposed to. 


As of now, I need to live for myself through helping others - doing the most basic and essential things. I'll give back everything, eventually. I have no desire to owe or to be indebted or anyone thing, place, or person; materials, emotions, physical objects, conceptual things...


I also have no desire to fuel the unnecessary. This includes luxuries, yet does not exclude the experience of having a good time with life, letting go, and enjoying whatever it is in front of me. 


Example: working in a chocolate shop does not provide the most necessary services to others or to myself, but enjoying the company of others, the flavors of great food and drink... this is what makes a life.


I am human.
I can't be a completely listless shell. 


Everything in moderation, right?


But I struggle. I have internal and external conflicts. I over think and second guess. I want to be interesting and noteworthy, but feel guilt for having those desires. 


Yet where would I be if it weren't for those who inspired me with their own creativity and individuality? 


Oh, who can begin to understand anything. 


My strongest consolation as of now is that by writing, acknowledging, and doing this little by little I am releasing myself. It won't ever all come at once... and it might not ever come at all. But there's this feeling I've got. A mixture of hope, fear, inspiration, restlessness, and despair that keeps pushing me. 


It's just a matter of how strong I can be when I need strength and how humble I can be when I need help. 


Maybe some day all of these musings and proclamations will come to a head and help me in some way. And if not, then it at least calms me now.