oh, bother

Oct. 11
Humanities, MIAD


I'm not sure to start this one without sound too... needy, desperate, lonely...
But the truth is, I am. Lonely, I mean.


I find it quite unbearable to listen to girlfriends speak about boyfriends, and vice verse.
And I feel wretched about this! These are my friends, my companions...
I should be there for them to vent, to brag, to just listen.


The night Nadine and Tyler found each other, I cried. 
I teared up when she told me, wept when she explained. 


I have no future prospects that I can see, and this is utterly depressing. 
I know I'm "young" and "shouldn't waste youth on a guy" and that I'll have "plenty of opportunities" etc.


But it's hard to stay focused on these points when everywhere around me I am confronted with happiness, relationships, love.


This begs the question, What is wrong with me that I remain in such solitude?
I've had very minor, very brief, very insignificant flings.
I suppose I should just be patient and realize that something is happening with me internally and that I need to sort myself out before I can begin anything else.


But oh, how lonely it does get...


Of course, the sexuality question pops into my mind. 
I know that I'm straight, yet I can still appreciate the power and sexual desire women create in others.
I can also see this in men.


I know this because of the subtle, everyday hints the men I encounter give me, whether they know it or not.
Id say that the vast majority of the time they are quite unaware.


For example: I find the way my English teacher dresses very appealing. His jeans, his sweaters... I want to be a part of that with someone. Yet I am in no way attracted to the man himself. 
And the love stories and passionate affairs in real life, in movies, in everywhere - I long for them.


I long for someone to look at me. 
And yet I cannot fathom who this someone might be,
nor imagine being capable of feeling anything back. 


So, I think that this is a problem, yes?
Yes.